Merrill's Story
by zombieautobot
Summary: This is Merrill's story starting with her time in the clan with the hero of Fereldan through the events of dragon age 2  and maybe after . This story is through Merrill's point of view. F!Warden&Merrill in the beginning and eventual F!Hawke&Merrill
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first fan fiction ever. So I hope you guys enjoy it and review it :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or any of its characters

* * *

><p>Merrill's life hadn't always been turmoil. There was a time, not as long ago as you may think, that her life had been peaceful, a time when she had felt that she had a place in the world. Sometimes when she felt lonely and as though there was no one in the world who cared for her she thought of those times. She thought of the times sitting in the woods training with the keeper when they would laugh and talk about so many things. She thought of the times the elven children would sit around the campfire as she told the stories of old and how they would beg her for more stories until their parents would drag them off to bed. But most of all she found herself thinking of Aspen.<p>

Aspen the sweet blonde huntress; Aspen who had stolen Merrill's heart. Merrill thought of the way Aspen would tease her for rambling, or the way they would lay out in the woods together drawing pictures in the stars and sometimes Merrill would even allow herself to think on the warm nights they had shared hidden within her aravel. She remembered laying curled in Aspen's arms tracing the tattoos on her face and whispering the old words into her ear. The union between them was forbidden, Merrill, as the Keeper's first, was not meant to fall in love with another of the clan. Such things would lead to loving one clan member more than the others. But Merrill couldn't help herself, she knew she loved Aspen better than she loved the rest of the clan.

Though their union was secret they had still spent many happy times together and shared many happy moments. The only problem with thinking about Aspen was that it always lead Merrill to the same place, starting at the night before tragedy struck.

There was a light tap on Merrill's door and she smiled knowing when she answered it Aspen would be waiting to greet her. She opened the door allowing Aspen to slip inside.

"By the creators I thought you'd never come," she said smiling.

"Yes well Tamlen and Feneral demaded my attention for much longer than I had anticipated."

"Mm, what did they want?"

"Feneral wanted me to test the new bow he made for me and Tamlen just wanted my attention."

Merrill felt a hot flash of jealousy, she knew that Tamlen harbored feelings for Aspen and she loathed that he could not know that Aspen's attentions were otherwise occupied already. So instead Merrill often had to endure watching his attempts to gain Aspen's affection, "I bet he did," she muttered bitterly.

Aspen put her arms around Merrill lightly whispering, "he cannot have my attention as there is already one much more worthy of it."

Merrill felt her cheeks go hot, though this time not with jealousy, "I wish he could know that. You two spend a lot of time together."

"He is my hunting partner emma sa'lath of course we spend much time together."

Merrill turned to face her and slipped her arms around Aspen, "I know of course I am being silly, I just let myself worry so, you are so beautiful and I-" Aspen cut her off with a soft kiss to the lips.

"Let us speak no more of Tamlen, I can think of other things that I would like to occupy time with."

Merrill felt another hot flush to her cheeks as she allowed herself to be swept off to the nearby cot by Aspen. Aspen knew all the spots that made Merrill tingle and it was not long before they lay entangled together, sweat covering their bodies, with only a thin blanket to cover their naked flesh from the elements. Merrill kissed Aspen softly, "you were right that was much better than talking about Tamlen." Aspen laughed, the sweetest sound to Merrill's ears. Aspen turned onto her side so that she was facing Merrill, "you are wonderful."

Merrill smiled and allowed Aspen to kiss her, though this time it was not softly, there was need behind this kiss and Merrill responded to the need, deepening the kiss. She moved her slender tongue into Aspen's mouth and found Aspen's tongue. They moved against each other pulling each other closer. Merrill slide her fingers down Aspen's stomach causing Aspen to jerk and moan a little. Just as Aspen knew which spots made Merrill tingle, Merrill knew which spots made Aspen tingle and moan and ultimately cause bursts of pleasure.

That night Merrill watched as Aspen slept soundly in her arms. Her heart felt so full and happy. She could have danced under the moon light and sang proclamations of love if her better senses didn't stop her from doing so. She brushed a stray hair from Aspen's forehead and muttered quietly, "I love you lethallan." Merrill started drifting off to sleep herself when there was a knock at her door. She felt her heart go into her throat and shook Aspen awake, "there is someone at the door," she hissed urgently.

Aspen jumped out of bed and looked around for a hiding place, Merrill pulled on her clothes and pushed Aspen, with only the blanket covering her, into her wardrobe, the only hiding place in the room. Merrill then kicked Aspen's armor under the bed in the corner and went to the door feigning sleepiness, hoping her panic would not spoil the ruse. When she opened the door she found Keeper Marathari and her heart dropped, what reason did Marathari have for visiting at such a late hour, unless she knew?

"Keeper, I was not expecting you, it is very late is there something the matter?"

"I am sorry for the late visit Da'len but there is something troubling me."

Merrill stepped aside to allow Marathari to come in, "what is troubling you Keeper?"

"It is one of our hunter," Merrill's heart sank lower, "she has been disappearing at night it seems."

Merrill felt sweat on her neck and was working very hard to compose herself, "someone is disappearing at night? I do not know of such a thing."

Marathari sat down on Merrill's bed and looked directly at the wardrobe, "it is Aspen. She often spends her nights by the fire telling stories, or talking to one of the clansmen but then she will disappear and she does not go back to her aravel. I am concerned, Da'len, I do not know where she has disappeared to all these nights, and I am concerned that she is getting herself into some trouble."

"How do you know she has not been returning to her aravel Keeper? I see her come out of it every morning."

"Oh I am the Keeper Da'len I know."

"You know many things it seems. Then I suppose I should know why you are here."

"Do you?"

"You think I know something about where Aspen goes at night?"

"Do you?"

Merrill dropped her gaze to the ground, Marathari knew, "I might have an idea."

Marathari looked at the wardrobe again, "I see and does she often spend the night in your wardrobe Merrill?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the wardrobe, "Keeper it's not what you think," came Aspen's muffled voice from the wardrobe.

Merrill looked at Marathari, "she actually never spends the night in the wardrobe," she muttered sheepishly.

"Come out Da'len there is much we need to discuss," said the Keeper.

"I don't know that, that would be appropriate at this very moment Keeper."

Marathari raised an eyebrow, "I see, shall I turn my back for a moment until you are decent?"

"That's probably best."

Marathari turned her back and Merrill went over to the wardrobe and handed Aspen her clothing, which she swiftly put on and came out of the closet. She leaned against the wall near the bed and said, "well this has gone well so far."

Marathari turned back around to face both Aspen and Merrill, though before she could speak Merrill blurted out, "I know what youre going to say Keeper, but I do not care. I love Aspen and I do not want to end this."

Aspen and Merrill's ears both turned bright pink, "sorry I shouldn't have said that."

Marathari looked at them kindly, "I would not venture to suggest you end this, if it makes you both so happy I would not end it. Though there are some things you need to consider."

"We have considered many things Keeper," Merrill said cursing her tongue for its quickness.

"Yes I imagine you have, but allow me to say them anyways," she said warmly, "Merrill you will be Keeper of this clan one day and being Keeper means that you protect your clan, if the time ever comes where you had to choose to save your love over saving the clan you must choose the clan Da'len. It may be hard but you must consider your love for the whole clan and make choices that will benefit them all. Many Keepers have chosen not to allow themselves to love one single person for fear of what it would do to them, however there have been Keepers who have been joined with one of their clansmen and still been successful Keepers, therefore I believe if this romance makes you happy then hold onto it, treasure it and treasure each other but remember Da'len as a Keeper you must be able to hold the clan above your love.

"And Aspen perhaps you should venture to mention to Tamlen that he can not have your affections the way he so desires. Yes your romance with Merrill is a secret but do not let him waste his time on one who is already spoken for. I love both of you and as I have said if this makes you happy then continue on, but you must be careful."

Both women nodded, "yes Keeper."

"Now if you will excuse me, I am very tired and must take my leave, it is very late and I am sure you two did not appreciate the disturbance."

Aspen's ears went scarlet as Merrill let the Keeper out when she closed the door behind her Aspen muttered, "well that was awkward."

"I should have known she would know, she knows, sees and hears everything."

"Hears? Creators," she said dropping her face into her hands.

"Not literally lethallan," Merrill said smiling. She grabbed the young hunter and pulled her into her arms.

Aspen rested her head on Merrill's shoulder, "Did you mean what you said," she whispered.

"When?"

"When you said you loved me."

"Yes."

"I love you too, Merrill."

Merrill's heart once again felt full as they laid down to sleep. She felt like there was nothing in the world that could go wrong, there was no way for her to know how wrong she had been.

The next morning Merrill woke to Aspen pulling on her clothing and armor, "mm you're up early."

"Tamlen and I are going hunting today and I have to get back to my aravel before many raise."

"Stay with me a bit longer," Merrill said reaching for Aspen's arm.

Aspen smiled and cupped her face, "I wish emma sa'lath, there is nothing that would give me more joy then to lie here all day with you. But I have responsibilities, who else is going to bring you food to eat and ancient elven artifacts for you and the Keeper to brag about at the next meeting of clans."

Merrill stretched her neck out and kissed Aspen, "you are right of course. I have First type stuff."

Aspen smiled at her, "ok, be careful doing your first type stuff."

"And you be careful out there in forest."

"I will be," she said turning to leave, Merrill caught her by the arm, "I am serious Aspen be careful."

"You needn't worry Merrill, I will be fine."

"Promise you won't be reckless, I couldn't bare losing you."

"And I you, alright I promise."

Satisfied Merrill kissed her one last time and let her go, a decision she would soon regret.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I hope you guys are enjoying to story so far :)

Disclaimer: I dont own Dragon Age or the characters from it

* * *

><p>It was already dark and there was no sign of Aspen or Tamlen yet, Merrill kept anxiously watching the forest. The hunters were always supposed to return before dark, they had left in the early morning where could they be?<p>

The Keeper came and stood beside her, "peace Da'len they will soon return."

"It is already dark Keeper, they should be back already."

"Yes well I am sure they will be-" before Marathari could finish her sentence a Shemlen came dashing into the camp, Merrill instinctively grabbed her staff and point it at the Shem. Marathari looked at her and said, "put down your staff it is only Duncan."

As Merrill lowered her staff she saw that Duncan was carrying a small figure, a woman, she hung limply from his arms. Merrill's stomach gave a lurch when she realized who the small figure was. "Aspen," she breathed.

The Keeper ran to Duncan's side, "what has happened?"

"I found her in the ruin a few miles off lying on the floor, she is deeply injured."

"Bring her over here," Marathari said guiding Duncan to her aravel. They went inside and shut the door. Merrill's head was spinning and she ran to the aravel and pounded on the door. Duncan opened the door, from behind him she could she Marathari working the healing magic on Aspen. "Please let me in, I need to be with her."

"No Merrill," said Marathari from where she stood, "you must calm the others."

"Please Keeper!"

"No Merrill, remember what I said about putting the clan first."

Merrill felt a tear run down her face and she nodded her head, "yes Keeper."

When she turned she found the clan grouped behind her, all at once they were shouting questions at her, "Who is that Shemlan?" "Where is Tamlen?" "What happened to Aspen?" "Is Aspen ok?" "Did that Shem kill Tamlen?" "Did that Shem hurt Aspen?" "What are they doing?" "Why did the Keeper allow the Shem into her aravel?" There were so many questions that Merrill couldn't even begin to answer, she felt her head swimming, like she was drowning in despair and questions.

To her surprise Feneral stepped in and hushed the crowd, "quiet! You are overwhelming Merrill with questions! How can she begin to answer any of them with all of you shouting them at once? Everyone calm down. The shem is a Grey Warden. A friend of the Keeper. Being that he is a Grey Warden it is unlikely he harmed either Tamlen or Aspen. We do not know where Tamlen is, we must wait for Aspen to wake, perhaps she knows, perhaps not. Aspen is with the Keeper now and there is nothing else that can be done for her. The Keeper will do all she can. Now everyone to bed. There will be no more questions tonight."

The crowd quickly dispersed and disappeared into their own personal sanctuaries. Feneral helped Merrill off the ground, who had just realized that she dropped to her knees. Feneral helped her to her own aravel and looked at her, "tell me what is between you and Aspen, Merrill."

"W-what?"

"You are acting in despair, a despair of one who's love has fallen."

"Then you already know what is between us."

"I see, this is a dangerous path Merrill."

"I love her Feneral, there is no going back."

"I understand," he said sadly, "get some sleep Merrill, she will be well soon."

Merrill stumbled into her aravel and fell onto the bed. That night she sobbed until she was too weak to continue and then drifted off into a restless sleep.

In the early morning when she woke, feeling miserable, she left her home quickly and went to the Keeper.

"Keeper please let me see her."

"She is resting Da'len."

"Please let me see her Keeper. I need to see her."

The Keeper nodded and let her into the small aravel. Laying on the bed was Aspen she looked feverish and weak. Merrill fell at her side and ran her hand through her hair, "please do not die," she whispered.

The Keeper left her there with Aspen. Merrill stayed for a couple days unwilling to leave. Finally the Keeper and Feneral came and dragged her away from Aspen for some sunshine and fresh air, against her protests of course.

"You do her no good by moping around Da'len," said the Keeper.

"Some fresh air and sun will do you some good, go on," Feneral said pushing her away from the aravel.

Merrill sighed and went to go sit alone by fire. What had inflicted this on her? What was this sickness that left her so weak, so tired? Merrill sat thinking for a few hours before a hand on her shoulder pulled her from her thoughts. She looked up to see who it was only to find Aspen standing above her. She rubbed her eyes to be sure they weren't playing tricks on her, "Aspen?"

"Yes, had you forgotten already?" A smile played on her lips, though she still looked so pale and weak.

Merrill sprung from the place she was sitting and pulled Aspen into her arms not caring who saw, "I was so worried."

"The Keeper healed me of course," she said with a smile.

Merrill kissed her roughly on the lips and smiled, "of course she did."

"Merrill we have to go find Tamlen, the Keeper told me to take you with me."

Merrill shook her head, "it is too soon, you still do not look good."

"We can wait no longer. We must find him now, it has been too long as it is."

"What happened out there Aspen."

"I can't remember much, a ruin, a mirror, Tamlen touching the mirror, then nothing."

Merrill nodded, "so we leave now?"

"Yes."

Merrill nodded and followed closely behind her love in the forest. A mile or two in they were attacked by creatures that Merrill had only heard of in stories. Horrifying creatures with black biting teeth and parchment flesh. She watched in horror as Aspen cut them down and then stumbled sideways.

Merrill ran up beside her and caught her and set her down on a nearby stump, "are you ok?"

"I am fine," she managed to get out before heaving out a thick stream of black bile.

"Perhaps we should turn back, you are not well."

"No we must find Tamlen. Come on the ruin is not far."

A few more miles and they reached the ruin, "creators this looks like an old elven temple."

"Indeed," was all Aspen said before charging inside.

Aspen lead Merrill to the back of the ruin to a room where an old mirror stood.

Merrill's eyes widened, "its and eluvian," she muttered softly.

"It's a wicked piece of garbage is what it is. Tamlen is gone because of it. We should destroy it!"

Merrill caught Aspen's arm before she could put her sword in it, "don't!"

Before Aspen could respond another sword went through the mirror, shattering it to pieces. On the otherside stood Duncan, "why did you do that?"

"You should have listened to your friend. This mirror is dangerous."

"We could use it to find Tamlen and restore our people!"

"No you could not have, now come we must leave."

"What about Tamlen," asked Aspen.

"It is too late for him, the only reason you have made it this long is due to your Keepers magic. The taint, if left unchecked, will kill you. Now come you do not have much time."

"I can't leave Tamlen!"

"He is already dead now come on before you are too."

Merrill pushed Aspen, "listen to him! You cannot die."

Aspen pursed her lips and followed without another word.

Merrill waited until they were a good distance away and picked up a piece of the broken mirror and wrapped it in a piece of cloth and hid it within her clothing.

After they returned to camp it seemed like only moments before Marathari was telling Aspen that she must leave to join the Grey Wardens for the sake of her own life. She was only given a short time to say her goodbyes. When finally she came to Merrill her eyes were misting and sad, "Merrill I-"

"I know, you have to go," she said sadly.

"I will miss you Merrill," she said touching her hand to Merrill's face.

"And I you," she responded allowing Aspen to pull her into an embrace.

"My heart is forever yours," she whispered into Merrill's ear.

"And mine is yours," she whispered back.

Aspen brought her face to Merrill's and kissed her passionately. It was a goodbye kiss and Merrill knew. Her heart both broke and sped up all at once. She didn't want that kiss to ever end, because when it did Aspen would be gone. When she finally pulled away, tears in both of their eyes, Merrill asked, "will you return?"

"I don't know. I don't know if I ever can."

Merrill nodded, "of course."

Aspen put a necklace in Merrill's hand, it was a silver chain with a decorated heart shaped emblem on the end. It was the necklace that Aspen always wore, "keep this safe for me, and know that I will always love you Merrill. No matter how far we are from one another. I will always love you."

"And I will always love you Aspen," she replied as she watched her love walk out of the camp with the Warden.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay in posting the next chapter! I had finals this past week and Shakespeare is killer! Anyway here is the next chapter and I will try much harder to make sure I update everyday from now on :) Also! Thank you for all the reviews they are very much appreciated!

Disclaimer: I still do not own Dragon Age or any of the characters within it

* * *

><p>Almost two and a half years had passed since Aspen had left with the Gray Warden and much had changed for Merrill. Shortly after Aspen left Merrill went and retrieved the Eluvian from the ruins, agiasnt the Keeper's protests of course. After that she spend much of her time attempting to cleanse the mirror in a desperate attempt to get Aspen back, and Tamlen of course. Her work on the mirror caused her to become more reclusive and to start arguing with the Keeper more and more, Marathari did not approve of her work and Merrill did not approve of leaving Fereldan for Kirkwall.<p>

Merrill became, for lack of a better word, obsessed with working on the Eluvian. Unfortunately her obsession lead her to blood magic, which was successful in cleansing the mirror shards, but was not accepted by the clan leading to more fighting between her and the Keeper to the point of Merrill insisting on leaving the clan in favor of the alienage in Kirkwall. Marathari, though reluctant, agreed and it was only a few weeks later that Adelaide Hawke came to the Dalish camp under service to Asha'bellanar. Hawke was a tall strong looking woman with short black hair and piercing blue eyes that almost seemed to glow.

Hawke was sarcastic, charming, harsh and polite all at once and Merrill immediately found herself intrigued with the warrior; an intrigue she had not felt since Aspen. Upon having this feeling Merrill immediately felt flooded with guilt and pushed the thoughts out of her mind. After their service to Asha'bellanar-where to Hawke, her sister Bethany and the red headed woman, Aveline's horror Merrill had used blood magic- Hawke escorted her to the alienage.

In the alienage it was not much different than in camp, not many people talked to her or acknowledged her existence though nor did she have to endure the constant disapproval while she worked on the Eluvian. A fair trade she thought.

Since her arrival in Kirkwall Hawke had picked up a few more companions. One being Isabela, a smuggler captain, who Merrill was quite found of spending excessive amounts of time with. With Isabela Merrill found a friendship that she had never experienced. She finally had someone to confide her secrets in and talk with freely without fear of being judged. Of course Fenris judged her enough for the whole lot of them. Fenris was once a slave and had a deep seeded mistrust in mages, especially blood mages. She often avoided spending time around him unless Anders was around, whom Fenris despised more than Merrill. Oh yes Anders, he too despised Merrill, though Merrill was unsure why, something about the justice spirit inside of him. Then of course there was Sebastian whom was always kind to Merrill, though they always debated about the Maker and the Creators. He was a sweet man but being a brother of the chantry, he would often try to convert Merrill, which in turn made him insufferable at times. Then there was Aveline was also kind to Merrill but thought of her as stupid and childish, which caused Merrill a great deal of annoyance. Besides those companions there was Varric, a sweet dwarf whom Merrill liked spending time with and finally Bethany, she was Hawke's younger sister and very kind to Merrill, though they did not spend much time together.

Hawke would often come to visit Merrill in her home in the alienage. She was always kind and sweet to Merrill and sometimes Merrill found that Hawke would flirt with her and despite her best efforts Merrill would find that she was flirting back. Every time that Hawke left and Merrill wished she would stay she felt a pang of guilt for feeling that way, and every time she thought of Aspen and wondered how she was. After all, Aspen was now the hero of Fereldan, she had slain the Arch demon and survived, though she had heard no word from her, no letter, nothing to say Merrill was even a thought in her mind anymore. Regardless she loved Aspen and did not intend to give up in her. And every time she felt weak she would grasp the amulet that Aspen had given her and remembered their last kiss and the promises of love they had made one another.

Of course there was no denying that Hawke did make her feel something deep inside. And there was no denying when she was Hawke off in a corner talking softly with Isabela or some other woman at the Hanged Man she would feel a small rush of jealousy. Though she refused to show any affection for Hawke outside of friendship, she secretly found herself wishing Hawke would speak softly in the corner to her, no matter how hard she clung to the memories of Aspen.

One night when it was cold and raining outside Hawke had come to see her, though why Merrill was unsure. Hawke had just gotten back to town from the deep roads expedition and Merrill hadn't a chance to talk to her yet. Merrill had been scurrying around her house with buckets trying to catch the water dripping through the holes in her roof. She had just put the last bucket in place when there was a knock at her door, it was late and Merrill wondered who would be calling so late. As a precaution she grabbed her staff and went to the door. She opened the door, ready to attack were the person on the other side unfriendly, only to find Hawke.

Her hair and clothing were drenched, "can I come in," she slurred clearly drunk.

Merrill stepped aside and let the drunken warrior in, "Hawke you're soaked! Let me get you a towel or something." Merrill found a towel and handed it to her, "What are you doing here Hawke, it is late. Shouldn't you be home?"

"I dunt want to go there. Everything is my fault there," she said.

"What do you mean?"

Hawke looked on the verge of tears, "In the deep roads with Anders, Varric and Bethany, Bethany got the taint and there was nothing we could do to save her unless we took her to the Grey Wardens. And I will probably never see her again and my mother blames me for Carver's death and Bethany being gone and Uncle Gamlen is just an ass hat."

Merrill her hand gently on Hawke's shoulder, "I think you need some water to clear your head."

"My head is clear dammit," she said raising her hand in the air.

Merrill handed her the water, "I think not."

Hawke downed the water like it was another tankard of rum, "this didn't taste like any rum I've tried before."

"That's because it was water."

"You said there would be rum here."

"Um, Hawke I think you'd better go lie down and sleep it off a bit."

"Take wha off?"

"Sleep it off," she said grabbing Hawke's hand and pulling her up from the chair she had collapsed into. Hawke was much heavier than Merrill and much stronger for that matter but somehow Merrill managed to get Hawke into the bedroom. However as soon they got into Merrill's bedroom Hawke fell sideways pinning Merrill against the wall, Hawke looked at Merrill through one eye and said, "well hello pretty lady."

"Um, Hawke I'm kind of stuck here."

"Did anyone ever tell you your eyes are so beautiful, I mean I could just kiss them." And that was precisely what she did, planting a kiss right on one of Merrill's eyes. And then on her cheek and then on the corner of her mouth and just as Merrill thought Hawke would kiss her on the mouth she stopped and slumped onto the ground passed out. Merrill stepped over Hawke's sleeping form and grabbed her arm in an attempt to pull her across the floor. Though it was with no success as Hawke was dead weight and too heavy for Merrill to move.

Merrill knew she couldn't just leave Hawke laying there and would need help moving her so she ran off to the Hanged Man to get Isabela. She knocked swiftly on the door to Isabela's room. Isabela came to the door in not even her underclothing and looked at Merrill, "what is it Kitten," she said sleepily.

Merrill looked away and blushed, "um, Hawke passed out at my house and she will be very sore if I just leave her in the position she is in now, will you help me move her?"

Isabela furrowed her eyebrows and looked over her shoulder, "shit I didn't even know she left."

"She was here?"

"Yes kitten she was here, I didn't get down to my skinnies on my own you know."

Merrill blushed again, "of course not."

"Give me a second and I will come help you."

Merrill sat outside Isabela's door waiting for her to put her clothes on. While she was waiting she thought about Hawke and how she had slept with Isabela then had the nerve to come over to Merrill's house and kiss her, granted it was on the eye, but she still kissed her! And then she thought that it probably shouldn't bother her as they had made no promises, no understanding of their feelings. And Merrill wasn't even sure what those feeling were, she just knew that there were feelings there that she couldn't just explain or guilt away.

Finally Isabela emerged drawing Merrill from her thoughts, "shall we?"

"Yes I think we shall."

Thankfully the rain had cleared up so the walk back to Merrill's house was pleasant. Isabela looked sideways at her and said, "so how did Hawke end up at your house?"

"I think she was very drunk."

"Yes I knew she was very drunk, though I thought she had passed out after we, well you know."

"Know what?"

"We made the beast with two backs."

"Oh that sounds frightening."

"Not literally Kitten."

"What are we talking about?"

"Sex."

"Right," Merrill said blushing, "well apparently she re-awoke and came to my house, I think she thought my house was a bar."

"What on earth would make you think that?"

"I gave her water and she told me it wasn't like any rum she had ever tasted."

"I see, well here we are, shall we go in and move the sleeping drunkard?"

Merrill opened the door and was surprised to see a naked Hawke laying on her table, Merrill turned away blushing.

"You didn't tell me she was naked Kitten."

"That is because she wasn't when I left and she was in the bedroom."

"She woke up and took her clothes off then."

"And then fell asleep on my table, Creators, Isabela move her."

"I'm going to need some help."

"She's naked."

"And drunk and passed out, just try not to think about it."

Merrill turned back around and faced the naked Hawke; she felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach and tingling in her skin. She moved across the room with Isabela and they both heaved Hawke off the table and into the bedroom on the bed. Isabela threw a blanket over her and they both walked out into the main room. Isabela was about to take her leave when Merrill said, "what if she wakes up again?"

"Do you want me to stay Kitten?"

"Would you?"

Isabela smiled and sat down in a chair at the table, they spent much of the night talking and telling stories to one another until sleep overcame Merrill and she fell asleep at the table.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Just a short chapter today thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or anything within it

* * *

><p>In the morning Merrill was startled awake by a clamoring in her bedroom she sat up from the table, realizing there was a blanket draped around her shoulders, and looked at the bedroom. Hawke had risen and had a blanket secured tightly around her intimate parts she looked very confused and was talking to herself, "Maker were am I? Where are my clothes? Is this Merrill's house?"<p>

Merrill went to the doorway of the bedroom and leaned in the frame, "indeed this is Merrill's house," she said with a smirk.

"Merrill!" Hawke exclaimed falling backward onto Merrill's bed, "how did I get here?"

"You came here drunk, after sleeping with Isabela of course."

"D-did I leave my clothes at the hanged man?"

"No you took them off after you got here."

"I know this looks really bad Merrill but it's not like it seems."

"And how does it seem Hawke?"

Hawke cleared her throat and ruffled her hair, "decidedly like I slept with another woman and then troused over here only to become naked in the process."

"And how is it not like that?"

"Maybe I'm sorry would be better."

"Yes that one sounds better I think."

"I'm sorry Merrill."

"It is ok Hawke, you did not mean anything by it I am sure."

"I didn't, no, still I am sorry. You know sleeping with Isabela, it didn't mean anything."

"Oh? Well who you sleep with is hardly my business Hawke."

"Right," Hawke said breaking eye contact to look at the ground, "where are my clothes?"

Merrill grabbed them from the main room and tossed them to Hawke, "I will go outside so that you may have some privacy putting your clothes back on."

Once outside in the sunlight Merrill thought about what Hawke said, "sleeping with Isabela, it didn't mean anything" why would she tell her this? Why did she care what Merrill thought of her sex life? So many questions Hawke had raised with a simple statement, it was so frustrating. Just then Hawke walked outside and looked at Merrill, "yes well, thank you for the bed."

"You're welcome Hawke. I hope you have a better day today."

"I never have bad days," she said with a deadened looking smile.

"Everyone has bad days Hawke."

Hawke looked at the ground, "yes I suppose drowning your sorrows in a tankard would constitute as a bad day wouldn't it?"

Merrill put her hand on the warrior's shoulder, "Bethany will be ok."

"Maker what did I tell you last night Merrill?"

"You told me that Bethany got the taint and that you had to take her to the Gray Wardens"

"I am sorry that I drunkenly dumped my problems on you Merrill."

"It is ok. I understand."

Hawke got a bitter look on her face, "how could you possibly understand? How could anyone understand what it is like to have to have to give up someone they love, with the possibility of never seeing them again, to the Wardens just to save their life from the taint."

_I would understand better than you know, _she thought, though unwilling to share her own story of loss she just shook her head and said, "maybe you should just go home Hawke."

"Right," she said stalking off.

Merrill watched her walk away, _be careful Hawke, you don't know people like you think you do._


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Since my last Chapter was so short and I finished this one early I decided to post it as well today :) Thanks for the continued reading of my story and the reviews! They are all appreciated!

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or any of the things within it

* * *

><p>It had been a few weeks since Hawke had woken from her room and stalked off and Merrill had not heard anything from the warrior since that day. In fact she had not really seen anyone in that time, perhaps it was her own fault for not venturing out or perhaps they were all too busy to pay Merrill a visit at any rate it had been a while since she had seen anyone, so when her work on the Eluvian was interrupted by a knock at her door Merrill was very surprised. She went to the door and opened it not sure who would have the time to come and see her, to her surprise it was none other than Isabela leaning casually against her house.<p>

"Well at least I know you're alive now," she said stepping into the house.

"Why wouldn't I be," Merrill asked ignoring the fact that Isabela had not waited to be invited in.

"Well I haven't heard from you in weeks Kitten," she said sitting in one of the dusty chairs that were by Merrill's table.

"Oh, I have just been busy."

"Too busy to even come see me and play a game of cards?"

"I haven't felt much like going on lately."

"Is it because of Hawke?"

Merrill was taken aback, she had not considered the fact that she had shut herself off because of Hawke, as usual she simply thought that her work on the Eluvian had kept her indoors, that idea that Hawke was the reason she had thrown herself so furiously into her work had not crossed her mind; though the more she considered the idea the more it seemed that yes would be the correct answer, "I-I, no I don't think it was because of Hawke."

"Uhuh, I don't believe you, you're a terrible liar."

"Oh, I try not to lie."

"Is it because you saw her naked? You don't need to be embarrassed you know, it was her fault for getting so drunk."

"I'm not embarrassed."

"What is it then? What happened between you two the morning after that night?"

"Oh, it's a very long story Isabela and I'm afraid it might be a story within a story."

Isabela sat forward obviously intrigued, "I have time Kitten."

Merrill sat in the car across from Isabela's, she was unsure if she was ready to tell Isabela about Aspen. She hadn't ever talked about it to anyone, not even the Keeper, it was just simply something that was known between them. She heaved a heavy sigh and said, "I have never told anyone about this before Isabela and I know you have a habit of," she paused trying to think of a good way to phrase 'running your mouth' without hurting Isabela's feeling.

Isabela smiled and saved her the trouble, "running my mouth."

"Yes well, I need you to keep this to yourself. I don't want everyone to know."

"I swear," she said with a serious look on her face.

Whether she believed her or not Merrill was unsure but her mind was made up and it was time to finally unload the heavy burden that she had been carrying with her for so many years, "well you see there was this girl."

Merrill told Isabela everything about Aspen and her relationship, everything about what had happened to Aspen and how she was the hero of Ferelden, she told her about the Eluvian though she did leave out that she was currently trying to repair it, and finally she told Isabela what Hawke had said to her.

After Merrill was done Isabela was quiet for a long time before saying, "Merrill, I had no idea."

"No, how could you? No one knows, and really it isn't Hawke's fault for saying those things, she just lost her sister and I truly know what it feels like to lose someone to the taint."

Isabela looked away from Merrill and focused on the ground, an unusual gesture, "I knew the hero of Ferelden."

Merrill's heart skipped a beat, "you knew her?"

"Yes, we met at the Pearl in Ferelden, it was a brief meeting, but still I remember her well."

"Was she well? What was she doing there? What did she say?"

Isabela stood up and moved across the room, "yes she was very well and she didn't say very much. She was traveling with three others, an older mage by the name of Wynne, another grade Warden called Alister and," she paused looking away, "a red headed woman, Leliana."

Merrill furrowed her eyebrows, why was Isabela looking at her like that? Why had she paused before she had told Merrill about this Leliana Aspen was travelling with? What was Isabela hiding?

Isabela saw the puzzeled look on Merrill's face and moved back across the room and sat at the table, "Merrill, I-I, Aspen she-"

"Please spit it out Isabela!"

"Merrill I care for you dearly you have to know that, but I met Aspen long before I even knew of you, but if I had known I wouldn't have-"

It clicked in Merrill's head and she blurted out, "you slept with her?"

"Merrill, you have to understand she didn't even mention you, I-I thought that-"

"You thought she was available," Merrill finished sadly.

"No, that's the other part I am trying to tell you, I didn't just sleep with Aspen, the red headed girl, Leliana, I slept with both of them at the same time, because, well because they were together."

Merrill thought that she literally felt her heart break; there was an ache in her chest and a hot burning behind her eyes. No wonder Aspen had never contacted her again, she had found a new love. She felt the tears pouring down her face and then—and then she felt anger. She glared across the room at Isabela, "Why would you tell me that?"

Wild thoughts started flooding into Merrill's head, Isabela was lying to her! She wanted to hurt Merrill! Aspen would never do that! Isabela was wrong.

"Kitten I-"

"GET OUT," she roared in an anger that she had never thought herself capable of.

Isabela's eyes widened and she quickly left the house only looking over her shoulder once before swiftly shutting the door behind her.

Merrill stood and knocked everything off of her table, she moved swiftly into her room and picked up a shard of the Eluvian. Isabela WAS lying and she would prove it. She put the shard on the table and looked at it. There had to be a way to see Aspen through the mirror, she had tried many times before of course though none of her attempts were successful, but this time she felt determined, this time she would use blood magic and there was no one around to stop her.

She reached for her crafting knife that she kept hidden inside her robes and sliced her hand open and reached for a spirit, one that would help her see Aspen. Nothing happened so she pushed harder, "Show me Aspen," she said through gritted teeth.

Merrill began to feel weak and dizzy but she continued to reach until finally a blurry image appeared on the mirror. In the image she could make out Aspen's small familiar form, she felt her heart rush just as it used to, however Aspen was not alone, as the image became clearer Merrill saw a red headed woman with Aspen, someone she didn't recognize. Merrill was feeling very weak and very tired, but she had to see.

The woman came up behind Aspen and wrapped her arms around her, Aspen smiled at her, like she used to smile at Merrill, and kissed the red headed whore on the lips. Merrill felt her breathing go shallow and darkness edging on the corners of her vision, but she could not stop watching. She felt herself slip from the table and begin to fall to the floor. She felt like everything was happening in slow motion around her, she heard footsteps rushing toward her and just before she hit the ground she felt two strong arms catch her.

She heard a voice that sounded so far, calling her name. She saw a fuzzy form in above her, was it the face the belonged to the arms around her? And just before she passed out she thought for sure it was Hawke


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: I dont own Dragon Age or the characters from it

* * *

><p>Merrill slowly awoke though she was unsure where it was she was waking up at first. She wanted to lift her head and look around but it felt heavy as though there was lead in it. Her mouth felt dry and like her head her limbs felt heavy as well. She knew she needed to get up, to move, to do something.<p>

She gingerly lifted her heavy head from the pillow, finally able to look around the room. The room was expensively decorated. There was a solid oak desk in the corner and 2 matching armoires. The bed she laid on was soft, unlike her own mattress at home which was lumpy and hard. The sheets were red satin and when Merrill moved her feet against them they too felt soft and comfortable. She turned her head to the other side of the room and saw Hawke sleeping in a red velvet chair next to the bed.

It dawned on Merrill that this beautiful room must belong to none other than Hawke herself, though the last time she remembered Hawke had been living with her Uncle Gamlen in Low Town and this was certainly not one of the hovels in low town. Merrill watched Hawke sleep for a few minutes, she looked so peaceful, so soft, so unlike she ever did in her waking hours. Merrill felt an uncontrollable urge to reach across to the chair and push a stray hair out of her face, the only thing stopping her was the fatigue she felt.

She laid back into the soft feather pillows and tried to remember how she had gotten here. She thought hard but the memory was foggy. She remembered flashes of the Eluvian, Isabela and then a flash of red hair but nothing more. Her brain felt too fuzzy to think on it for too long. Before she could force herself to think more she heard a voice from the side of the bed.

"Merrill?"

Merrill slowly turned her head to face Hawke, "Hello Hawke."

"You're awake! Oh thank god," she said leaping from the chair and coming closer to the side of the bed.

"Hawke, is this your house?"

Hawke smiled, "yes it is, I have been in the process of buying it. It is my mother's family home you see, its why I haven't been around very much, though it seems I should have made the time to come see you. Merrill what were you thinking?"

"I don't know, I can't remember, what happened?"

Hawke looked away and said quietly, "blood magic."

"I don't remember Hawke, please tell me more."

"I'm not sure the details Merrill, all I know is that Isabela came rushing over here and she was very upset. She told me to go to your house and that you didn't want to see her anymore. I ran over to your house as quickly as I could and I knocked on the door, several times, but you didn't answer so I, well I broke your door down, don't worry I fixed it! But when I got inside you were gripping the table and there was blood everywhere and you were staring at a piece of some broken mirror and then you started to fall and I ran over and caught you. Then you were out and I rushed you over to Ander's clinic and he did what he could, but the blood magic you used had sapped you of your energy, so I carried you back here and I've been taking care of you and praying to the Maker that you would recover. Five days later he answers me."

"Five days, no wonder I am so thirsty," she said ignoring the fact that her blood magic had almost cost her, her life.

Hawke quickly got her some water and then sat down next to her on the bed, "Merrill did any of that jog your memory?"

In fact it had, the memories came flooding back to her, Isabela telling her about Aspen, seeing Aspen in the mirror with the red headed woman and even using blood magic to see Aspen in the mirror, all of it came back to her, but she couldn't tell Hawke, couldn't let Hawke know that she was willing to give up on her life for a woman who loved her no longer. Not after everything Hawke had done for her, not after the way Hawke was looking at her and not after the way Hawke made the deadness in her chest feel so much better. So she lied to Hawke, because she had to, because Hawke didn't deserve Merrill's burden, "no, I wish it had though. I am sorry I worried you Hawke."

Hawke reached across the bed and brushed a stray hair from Merrill's face, just as Merrill had wanted to while Hawke was sleeping, "I am glad you are better Merrill."

Merrill felt a warm tingling in the spot that Hawke had touched her, "you know if you had prayed to the creators it might have been a quicker recovery, you never know."

Hawke smiled, "I don't know the creators though, or how to pray to them."

"No I suppose you wouldn't, sometime I will tell you about them."

"I would like that, but for now you should get some rest," she said getting up from the bed.

Merrill caught Hawke's arm before she could move to far away, a surprise to both of them, Merrill flushed a deep pink at her gesture and said, "don't go Hawke, please, will you stay with me for a while?"

Hawke sat back down on the bed and leaned against the headboard allowing Merrill to rest her head against her chest, "yes I will stay Merrill." Merrill closed her eyes allowing herself to fall back to sleep, feeling safe for the first time in a very long time.

Merrill woke up the next morning and found that she was still sleeping against Hawke's chest, she looked up at Hawke to find that she was still asleep. Hawke had stayed with her the whole night, and she had slept in a seemingly uncomfortable position so that Merrill would feel safe. Merrill felt her heart warm and then she felt it suddenly drop when she was reminded why she was there. She knew she needed to go back to her house, she wasn't ready to let anyone close again. As it was Hawke was already too close for comfort.

Merrill gently pulled herself away from Hawke and left the room swiftly and soundlessly. She snuck down the stairs and out the door. Once outside she realized how lost she was, it was not often that she ventured into Hightown, in fact she had no business in Hightown unless she was tagging alone with Hawke on one of her adventures. She started wondering in the direction she believed was the way to her home and ended up wondering around the city of Kirkwall for several hours until she finally managed to find her home in the alienage.

Still fatigued from her episode earlier in the week she stumbled into her house ready to fall into her lumpy bed for a nap. She closed the door behind her and trudged over to her room, when she turned the corner to her room she almost had a heart attack when she saw none other than Adeliade Hawke sitting on her bed. Her first instinct was the hide the Eluvian, luckily it was already hidden under a heavy blanket.

Hawke stood up from the bed, "Merrill where have you been?"

"Oh, here and there, mostly there and not here."

"You got lost?"

"Well, yes it does seem to happen to me quiet often."

"Why didn't you stay Merrill? I could have walked you home, I came down here after I woke up and you were," though she quickly hid it Merrill saw a flash of hurt in the warriors eyes.

"I'm sorry Hawke, I seem to be making a lot of stupid decisions lately."

"It wasn't stupid to want to go home, I was just worried."

Merrill sighed, it seemed there would be no eluding Hawke, "you don't need to worry, I am ok."

Hawke shuffled her feet, "yes I see that, you're right it was silly of me to think you wouldn't be."

Merrill stepped closer toward Hawke before she could stop herself, "thank you for coming Hawke."

Hawke looked determinedly away, Merrill touched her hand to Hawke's cheek. Merrill felt as though electricity went through her fingers upon touch, Hawke looked at Merrill softly and stepped closer to her, Merrill felt like she couldn't breathe.

She felt Hawke's hand on her cheek, she felt the softness of Hawke's clothing and she felt Hawke's breath close to her face. She closed her eyes and tilted her head upward and leaned forward until she felt Hawke's lips against her own. The kiss was warm and Merrill experienced a bursting feeling in her chest. Then they pulled away from each other and before Merrill could open her eyes Hawke was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own dragon age or characters

* * *

><p>Weeks had passed since their kiss and although Hawke had made a point to come visit with Merrill once or twice a week neither of them really seemed willing to discuss their kiss. Merrill dealt with the tension by throwing herself deeper into her work. Finally she thought she was finished piecing it together one day but she found that it was still not complete. She flopped on the floor thinking hard on what she wasn't doing and then it clicked. Maybe she needed the Arulin'Holm to finish the task; however she knew Marathari would never give it to her.<p>

She knew then that she must show the mirror to Hawke, Hawke would help her. Marathari trusted her as did the other Dalish, she was respected among them and could help Merrill retrieve the dagger from the Keeper. Just as she came to this resolution she heard a knock at the door. She knew it was Hawke.

She let Hawke in and grabber her hand, "come on I have something to show you," she said tugging her toward her bedroom.

"What is it Merrill?"

She pulled her into the bedroom where the Eluvian stood and said, "isn't it beautiful? I've never shown anyone before."

"Not as beautiful as its owner," she thought she heard Hawke say softly though she turned Hawke said, "what is it?"

"It's an Eluvian, I found it in a ruin in Fereldan, the Keeper didn't want me to have it but I have been working on restoring it."

Hawke sat down on her bed and looked at the mirror, "what kind of mirror is this Eluvian."

Merrill launched into the story, leaving out Aspen this time, about the mirror and how she had come upon it and cleansed it. When she was done Hawke looked a little sick to her stomache, "this thing carries the taint and you are trying to fix it?"

"It doesn't carry the taint anymore! I cleasnsed it."

"With blood magic," Hawke said darkly.

"It doesn't matter how I did it I still did! And anyways I need your help."

"How can I help? I'm no mage."

"No I need a tool from the Keeper, it's called an Arulin'Holm, its an ancient crafting tool and I need it to finish the mirror."

"Why cant you just go get it yourself?"

"I can't everytime I see the Keeper we fight and I need your help. Please Hawke," she looked at Hawke pleadingly knowing Hawke would not deny her.

"Fine, on one condition."

"What condition?"

"You talk to Isabela."

Merrill looked away, "she hasn't been around to talk to."

"She thinks you hate her Merrill, she cares for you a great deal and I know you miss her."

Merrill considered the idea of talking to Isabela again, it had been quiet a long time since she had seen Isabela and she did indeed miss the pirate and it wasn't her fault for the way things had panned out with Aspen, she nodded, "I should like to talk to her again I think."

"Well that's good because she is here now."

"What?"

"Well I brought her so you two could patch things up."

"Where is she?"

"Waiting outside, I'll go get her and you two talk things out while I go get Aveline so we can all take a nice hike up sundermont together."

"Thank you Hawke," she said and kissed Hawke on the cheek.

Hawke's cheeks flushed a deep red and she walked out the door, second later Isabela walked in looking mildly sheepish.

"Hello Kitten," she said not making eye contact.

"Hello Isabela," Merrill said trying to remain serious.

"Look I-I didn't mean to hurt you, or for you to get hurt, I just thought you should know the truth and you have to know if I would have known you were-" Merrill cut her off and threw her arms around Isabela in a sisterly embrace.

"I know it wasn't your fault," she said when she let go.

"So, that's it?"

"Well, yes, I have missed your company and could use someone to talk to or to play card with you know."

"What about Hawke? She is here often enough."

Merrill blushed, "things are different with Hawke and anyways Hawke is truly not a good substitute for my best friend."

Isabela smiled, "things are different with Hawke? Mm, what naughty things have you gotten yourself into Kitten."

Not as many as I would have liked to she thought, "nothing really. Just a kiss that's all."

"You and Hawke kissed?"

"Well yes, it was just once though and we haven't talked about it."

"Why the hell not?"

"I don't know, how do you bring a kiss up to someone?"

"With another?"

"Oh! Isabela I couldn't!"

"Couldn't you?"

"I don't think so."

"Be forward with her. If she won't come to you go to her. I know she had feeling for you. She it probably just worried that you don't feel that same."

"How do you know she has feelings for me?"

"The way she looks when anyone says your name, the way she will make excuses to come see you, you know Hawke isn't good at hiding what she feels."

Before Merrill could respond there was a knock at the door, "that'll be Hawke and Aveline."

"Just consider what I said Kitten ok?"

Merrill smiled, "ok."

The trip to Sundermount was a disaster. If there was something else that could have gone wrong Merrill was sure it would have. When they first arrived in the Dalish camp Merrill, always too quick with her tongue, hadn't let Hawke finish speaking to the Keeper before she blurted out that she did not care what the Keeper thought and had invoked vir sulevanan. Which in turn lead to a chain of events in which they were forced to confront the great Varterral, which incidentlly led to the death of one of the clansmen Merrill had felt a deeper connection with, Pol.

Upon returning to camp a grief stricken Merrill demanded Marathari explain why Pol had run from her, why he had seemingly chosen death to a vicious beast over being saved by her. Marathari informed them that she had warned the clan that Merrill might bring the darkspawn taint back, news that explained their open hostility toward her. Furious Merrill demanded the Arulin'Holm from the Keeper, who refused her instead electing to give it to Hawke.

Merrill had asked for it after they left the camp but Hawke had ignored her and in fact did not speak a word the rest of the way back to Kirkwall. It wasn't until later that night when Hawke came over to Merrill's house and they were alone that she placed the knife on the table for Merrill.

After placing the knife on the table Hawke looked at her, with those electrifying blue eyes and asked, "why is this so important to you? How can a mirror be more important than your whole clan?"

Merrill looked at the knife unable to look Hawke in the eyes, "it's for the clan. I am trying to bring back some of our lost history! Don't you see Hawke this could be the key. I have to work on this, I have to finish."

"Merrill, I-I believe in you. I know that what you are trying to do is honorable, but sometimes I don't think you realize the costs."

"I would be willing to pay any cost."

"That is what I am worried about," she said with a sigh.

Merrill didn't know what to say, there were so many things that she could say, so many things to tell Hawke, but she couldn't. She just stayed quiet.

"I just, well, be careful please? I care about you and I don't want to lose you ok?"

"I am careful. I know what I am doing."

Hawke turned to leave and Merrill heard her say softly, "I really hope so."

That night Merrill couldn't sleep, she kept seeing images of those electrifying blue eyes every time she tried to close her eyes. She laid on her bed looking up at the ceiling and thought about what Isabela had told her. Maybe Hawke wasn't willing to make a move because she really didn't know how Merrill felt, indeed Merrill had never given her any indication of what her true feeling were. Though she was still unsure what they were.

She thought about Hawke, strong noble Hawke. She felt safe whenever she was with Hawke and Hawke did indeed make her heart pound, relatively hard, in her chest. And she was very soft and kind. Merrill, looking up at the ceiling, realized what she had to do. She leapt from her bed and grabbed the twine that Varric had given her so she wouldn't get lost. She went outside and tied the first piece of twine to her front door and started off toward where she believed Hawke's house was.

Luckily it only took her four wrong turns before she ended up at Hawke's house. She tied the end of her twine to a tree outside Hawke's house before she let herself inside. She was disappointed to find that Hawke was not home.

"Out hunting bandits and the lot," Bodahn told her when she inquired to Hawke's location.

"Oh, well just tell her I was here," she said turning to leave.

"Perhaps stay and wait for her dear," said a motherly female voice from behind her.

Merrill turned to find Hawke's mother Leandra standing on the stairway. She smiled at Merrill and said, "you're Merrill right?"

"Y-yes, I am."

Leandra smiled kindly at her, "yes I thought so. I have heard much about you Merrill and I'm sure Hawke would like it if you waited. She should be home very soon."

Merrill shifted nervously and said, "ok I will wait for her then."

Leandra smiled and started climbing up the stairs, "goodnight Merrill, I hope all goes well tonight."

Merrill flushed a deep red and when to sit at one of Hawke's chairs to wait. Though just as Leandra had said it was not long before Hawke returned, Merrill stood and met Hawke at the door, who was visibly shocked to see her there.

"Merrill what are you doing here?"

"Hawke, I was thinking about today and what happened at Sundermont and how you believe in me and I'm not really sure anyone has ever believed in me before and you are so kind to me all the time and soft," she flushed as the last part came out, "really I don't know what I am doing here and I just was thinking about you and I wanted to see you and oh I don't know what I am doing."

Hawke smiled at her and stepped closer and cupped her cheek, "it's ok Merrill, I-I think about you a lot too."

Merrill kissed Hawke on the lips with a great amount of force and was met with equal force from Hawke. Hawke scooped Merrill up into her arms and carried her up the stairs, when they reached the top of the stairs and were heading from Hawke's room Merrill heard Sandal from downstairs, "Enchantment?"

"Sandal! That is none of your business."

Merrill smiled against Hawke's lips, enchantment indeed. Hawke slammed the door to her room behind them and threw Merrill on the bed. It was not long before all of their clothing had been stripped off. Merrill couldn't stop her hands from roaming all over Hawke's skin. She couldn't get enough of Hawke and Hawke couldn't get enough of Merrill it seemed as well. It wasn't until many hours later that they lay in the thralls of ecstasy, Hawke holding Merrill close to her that they finally spoke.

"Wow," was all Merrill could manage to get out at first.

Hawke just laughed and kissed her again.

"So, what now?"

"Mm, what do you mean?"

"I mean what now? What about us?"

"Well I think that's something we could figure out together, but I think my feelings for you are pretty clear."

Before she could stop it from spilling out she said, "I love you. I probably shouldn't have said that, I always say that stupidest things."

Hawke turned on her side to face Merrill, "I love you too Merrill, you know maybe you could move in here?"

"Move in here?"

"Yes."

"To hightown?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure?"

"Merrill I said yes," she said chuckling.

Merrill curled closer into Hawke and imagined what it would be like to sleep with her every night, "ok," she said quietly.

She felt Hawke smile in her hair and she felt warm as she drifted off to sleep in Hawke's arms.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thanks for continuing to read! I'm think I will be finishing up this story very soon :)

Disclaimer: I dont own Dragon Age and junk

* * *

><p>In the time since Hawke had invited her to move in Merrill had only managed to move in one thing, a flower from her garden in the alienage. She also found that she would often wander back to her house to work on the Eluvian. For some reason Hawke's home just wasn't her home yet. Most nights she did stay with Hawke, however, though there were other nights, when Hawke was out late or all night trying to control the Qunari Kirkwall situation, she would end up staying at her house after a long night of working.

Merrill was surprised to find that it had not taken long for their friends to discover the relationship between Hawke and Merrill, though that was due to Merrill's twine leading from her house to Hawke's, as Varric had pointed out at the hanged man on the evening after they had deicieded on everything.

Life with Hawke was interesting enough, but she still missed the alienage. Sometimes before she would be able to sneak out Leandra would stop her and question her.

"Where are you going Merrill?"

"Just to the alienage for a visit."

"Oh, do you miss it there dear?"

"I suppose sometimes."

"You visit quiet often."

"Yes, well it was my home."

"I just want to make sure you feel at home here."

"Thank you Leandra."

Leandra was a very kind woman and always very sweet to Merrill. Merrill enjoyed her company at times, it was like having a mother again, a feeling that Merrill sorely missed. Leandra couldn't imagine what life at the estate would be like were Leandra not around. Though this thought became a reality that no one was ready to deal with.

Gamlen burst through the door and starting asking for Leandra, it had been one of the rare nights that Hawke was not home but Merrill was. She heard shouting from the bedroom where she sat reading one of the books from Hawke's vast collection.

"Where is Leandra?"

"Enchantment?"

Merrill walked out of the room, curious about the commotion. As soon as she desended the stairs Gamlen had turned on her and said, "you elf! Where is my sister?"

"Leandra?"

"Aren't your giant knife ears good for anything, yes Le-an-dra," he said.

"Now there is no need to be rude sir," Bodahn said trying to intervene.

"Just tell me where my blasted sister is."

"Enchantment," answered Sandal before Bodahn or Merrill could answer.

Before Gamlen could start shouting at the three of them again Hawke walked in and he turned his attention to her instead, "where is Leandra?"

"What are you talking about Gamlen," Hawke asked an air of exhaustion in her voice.

"Leandra didn't show up for our weekly visit this week."

"She got some white lilies today perhaps she is off to see her secret admirer," Bodahn said.

"White lilies? This sounds familiar."

"What do you mean?"

"There is a murderer out there abducting women! We have to find mother now! I'll go get Aveline, Varric and Fenris."

"I'll go back to my house maybe she just got lost will show up."

Merrill looked at Hawke, "what do I do?"

"Stay here in case she comes back Merrill," she said over her shoulder as she raced out the door.

However Leandra had never come back and Hawke only returned very late in the night. Merrill was awoken from the chair she had fallen asleep in by the upstairs window by clattering in the study. She leapt up and ran down stairs to find Hawke yelling at Gamlen.

"Get out of my bloody house!"

"Why did you have to tell me what happened?"

"You asked!"

Gamlen's voice calmed and he asked, "did you kill the bastard?"

"YES! He's dead I killed him and everything in there!"

"Good, I'll send a letter to Bethany she'll want to know about this."

"Fine just leave!"

Gamlen shoved past Merrill on his way out, "out of my way elf."

Merrill heard another crash from the study and went in, Hawke had thrown everything off of the table, flipped the table itself, flipped her chair and was in the process of breaking more of her belonging when Merrill put a hand on her shoulder. Hawke turned and immediately desolved into tears in Merrills arms. All Merrill had to offer her was a silly elvish phrase to try to tell her that she was sorry for her loss. Though no words could console Hawke, she had lost her whole family now. That night Merrill just held Hawke as she cried herself to sleep.

For days after Hawke was not herself and Merrill was convinced that this is what got her into trouble with the Qunari. It was late and Merrill was once again awoken by loud voices downstairs. Hawke, for the eighth night in a row, had not come to bed. Merrill went out to the stairway and found that the noise was not from Hawke but instead from Aveline and Isabela.

"This is important," Isabela shouted.

"No! My mission is important! Your mission is likely about treasure," Aveline shot back.

"You don't even know what I have to say!"

"It doesn't matter whore! Its always about treasure and sex with you!"

"Better treasure and sex then boring and stupid!"

Aveline reeled her arm back and was clearly about the punch when Hawke finally walked in, "enough!"

Aveline and Isabela both turned to her and tried to spout there problems at once. Aveline about the Qunari harboring fugitives and Isabela about the relic, though Aveline, being the louder, seemed to be getting her point across much better untile Isabela shouted, "I'm going to die!"

Both Hawke and Aveline turned to her, "what?"

"The relic is here there is going to be a trade tonight."

"Not the stupid relic again, I am talking about something that really matters," Aveline said.

"Well, your problem and mine, may be related."

"What?"

"The relic, well I lied when I said I didn't know what it was, it's a book and I stole it from the Arishok, possibly."

Aveline looked like she could kill Isabela, but Hawke remained calm, "fine we take care of Isabela's problem first, then we go see the Arishok."

"You trust her that much," said Aveline.

"Probably not, I wouldn't," Isabela said with a smirk.

"You coming Merrill," Hawke asked looking up at her.

Merrill nodded her head and ran to grab her staff, this sounded dangerous and she did not want to let Hawke out of her sight. Of course she could not predict the events that would occur next.

The found the relic, but Isabela made off with it so when they went to go see the Arishok he declared a state of war on Kirkwall and it wasn't long before Hawke, Aveline and Merrill were battling their way to Hightown. And then it seemed like a shorter amount of time before they were in the Vicount's Keep with the Vicount's head at their feet speaking to the Arishok. Just when things seemed bad Isabela burst in with the relic and tossed it to the Arishok who in turn insisted on taking her with him. Merrill's eyes widened in fright and she clutched Isabela's arm. But Hawke shook her head, "you're not taking her."

The Arishok smiled and insisted on a duel between him and Hawke and of course she agreed. Merrill's heart sank in her chest, Hawke was a strong warrior but next to the Arishok she looked small and frail. Hawke drew her blade and clutched it in both hands and the Arishok drew his two enormous blades and swung them around. The first hit Hawke blocked but it was hard and knocked her backward. She managed to dodge his next hit just in time and cut his back with her blade. Angrily he slashed at her furiously, missing, and charged at her. This time she was not so lucky and he knocked her off of her feet. From the ground she swing her blade again and caught his thigh.

The fight seemed to go on forever and it seemed that although small cuts were made on each side no one was making progress, but then the Arishok knocked Hawke to the ground and kicked her blade out of her hand, she rolled sideways and raced to get her blade but the Arishok stabbed her through the side and lifted her off the ground. Blood was pouring from her wound as he threw her off of the blade. Luckily he had thrown her near her sword and clutching her side she grabbed her blade and drove it swiftly threw his back and through his heart. He fell backwards and told Hawke, with his last breath, that the Qunari would be back.

Hawke fell to her knees, her strength ebbing away with every new gush of blood that flowed forth. Merrill ran to her side and caught her head before it hit the ground, "Hawke, don't die."

"Merrill," was all she said before closing her eyes and falling heavy into Merrill's arms.

Merrill turned to Aveline, " we have to get her to Anders!"

"He's too far Merrill we'll never make it in time."

"Get her to the manor and try to stop the bleeding, I'll go get Anders."

Merrill rushed out of the Vicount's Keep and toward, what? She didn't know how to get to dark town. Without thinking she quickly drew the small dagger within her clothing and cut her hand, using blood magic was the only way to locate Anders quickly enough. The blood flowed from her hand and made a path in front of her to follow. She quickly followed the path and found Anders.

She grabbed his arm and started pulling him toward the new trail the blood had formed to Hawke's house, "come on!"

"Is that blood magic?"

"It doesn't matter Hawke needs you!"

"You can't use blood magic around here Merrill!"

"Why aren't you listening to me? Hawke is dying and if we don't hurry she will die! She needs you Anders!"

Without another word Anders dashed after Merrill. Merrill knew Anders loved Hawke and would do anything for her, just as Merrill did.

When they reached Hawke's manor Merrill was afraid they might be too late, Isabela was sitting at the bottom of the stairs in tears and Merrill raced past her and into their bedroom. Hawke was very pale and Aveline was trying her hardest to stop the bleeding but it was still coming through. Anders pushed them all aside and started working his healing magic without a word. Merrill sat watching helplessly for hours until Anders stopped and looked at her and Aveline and said, "I've stopped the bleeding and done what I can, she needs to rest now, only time will tell, but it doesn't look good."

"There is nothing else you can do," Merrill asked with tears in her eyes.

"I said no! Don't you think I would if I could?"

"Do not shout at her, the woman she loves could die! What would you do," said Aveline firmly.

"I love her to."

"We all do, but there is something different between Merrill and Hawke and you know it. It is not like loving your friends."

Anders didn't answer and simply left.

Aveline put her hand on Merrill's shoulder, " are you going to be ok."

Merrill nodded her head trying to hold back the tears, "yes, go home Aveline, Donic will be worried."

Aveline turned to leave, "I'll come by tomorrow."

Merrill nodded and went to Hawke's bedside and held her hand, "please don't leave me here alone Hawke."

True to her word Aveline came back the next day, and every day after that for a week, but there was no change. Isabela came by once or twice but told Merrill that she would soon be departing for a while. Anders came twice to check on Hawke but could do no more to help her.

Finally one morning, more than a week after Hawke's injury Merrill woke to a familiar soft hand on her face. She had fallen asleep with her head on the bed in a chair near Hawke. She reached up and touched the hand on her face and then looked up to find two electric blue eyes looking back at her.

"Oh thank the creators your awake!"

"How long have I been out?"

"Too long lethelan."

"This feels familiar, only last time it was I in that chair and you in the bed."

"Mm, well yes last time it was I who ran off and did something stupid and you that had to save me, so our roles are switched."

"I couldn't let him take Isabela."

"No, but dueling him wasn't the only solution."

"And risk everyone's life in there?"

"I don't think you were really thinking of everyone else's life Hawke."

"What?"

"You haven't been yourself lately, you have been reckless, I think that you were thinking that even if you lost it wouldn't matter."

Hawke looked away from her, "I didn't lose."

"You could have, you could have died."

"I didn't."

"It doesn't matter Hawke! You can't just run off and risk your life like that! You cant just-"

Hawke cut her off, "what? What can't I do?"

"Leave me here alone," Merrill said looking away from Hawke's intense gaze.

Her voice softened, "I would never leave you here."

"If you don't start caring more about your life then you will."

Hawke reached out and touched Merrill's cheek, "I am sorry, I just, feel so sad."

"I know lethelan, I know."

Merrill climbed into bed with Hawke and pulled her into her arms, "I will be more careful."

Merrill kissed the top of her head, "I will just have to keep an eye on you," she muttered softly.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: This chapter is a little short and I just wanted to give Hawke and Merrill just a little bit more interaction and show what their lives were like in the three years after Hawke was named Champion of Kirkwall. I also wanted to give them a little happiness before the shit hits the fan in the last chapter :)

Disclaimer: I dont own Dragon Age or the characters

* * *

><p>After the battle with the Arishok Meredith, the Knight Commander of Kirkwall, named Hawke the Champion of Kirkwall and then named herself the new Vicount of the city, or she might as well have. She claimed to be stepping in until a new Vicount could be elected to keep "order" in the city. But the way Merrill saw it she was just creating greater disorder by the way she was cracking down on the mages. Tensions were rising and there was no worse time to be a mage. Luckily being an elf helped Merrill blend in more with the home raids on suspected mages and their families did nothing for her nerves, or Hawke's.<p>

Luckily Merrill was able to hide behind Hawke's status so they were never raided but Templars were known to question Hawke's other companions about her, though no one was brave enough to question Hawke herself. With this tension rising it became much harder for Merrill to go back to her house to work on the Eluvian, especially with Hawke being as over protective as she was. In fact they often fought when Merrill tried to leave.

"No Merrill its not safe."

"You're kidding right? Are you really trying to tell me I can't go to my own house?"

"This is your home Merrill."

"Yes well so is the alienage, that's where I used to live remember?"

"Yes and now you live here."

"You know why I go back Hawke."

"Yes I do know and that's exactly the sort of thing Meredith is hunting Merrill."

"I'll be fine!"

"I can't protect you there you know."

"I don't always need your protection Hawke."

"Don't go Merrill."

"I can't stay locked up in here all day all the time! You go out all the time!"

"I'm not a mage Merrill, I'm just trying to protect you. Just don't go ok? I don't want to lose you."

"Ok," Merrill would always say and then as soon as Hawke left the manor Merrill would always pick up her stuff and mutter, "abelas lethlan," and then steal off to her house. She always managed to get back to Hawke's manor before Hawke noticed that she was gone and made Bodahn and Sandal swear they wouldn't tell Hawke that she had left. One night however this was not the case, one night Merrill had felt she made a break through with the mirror and lost track of time. She kept working late into the night and only stopped when she heard a loud thumping on her door.

She went really still and tried to push herself against the wall praying that the thumping would stop. Her heart was pounding in her chest and all she could think of was how furious Hawke was going to be at her if she got caught by the Templars. After a minute the thumping stopped and Merrill let her breath out. Then there was a crashing sound and Merrill froze she heard footsteps moving quickly toward her bedroom and she knew it was over.

She was ready for a Templar to round the corner and accuse her of blood magic and then take her away, but instead it was Hawke, though by the look on Hawke's face she thought she might be better off with the Templars. Merrill cleared her throat, "hello."

Hawke looked furious with her and her hands were clenched, "hello? That's what you're going to go with?"

"Well I wasn't sure what else to say and I thought that maybe-" Hawke held up her hand to silence Merrill, something that she never did.

"Merrill I asked you not to come here," her voice was calm, however her features betrayed her anger.

"You did and I didn't listen," Merrill said shortly, she would be damned if Hawke was going to order her around.

"Why didn't you listen?"

"I'm your lover Hawke not your child, you can't just order me around because it suits you."

"I'm not ordering you around."

"Mm? You're not huh? What do you call, don't go to your house Merrill stay here, cooped up in this stuffy house all day while I go out and have a grand ol' time."

"It was for your protection."

"Yeah too much protection! Don't you think it's a little bit more suspicious that you have an elf that stays in your house all day like a blasted slave!"

"I'm not treating you like a slave!"

"Oh please you're right! I'm a prisoner! You stay in your manor all day Hawke and I'll leave!"

Hawke looked at the ground, "I suppose I have been a little over bearing."

"A little?"

"Ok, ok! I've been worse than Meredith. I'm sorry Merrill, it's just, well I love you and I'm afraid to lose you, I've lost so many people, I couldn't bear to lose you too."

Merrill crossed the room and kissed Hawke, "I'm not going anywhere lethelan."

Hawke nodded and hugged Merrill tight to her, "I guess if you're going to come down here I should probably fix your door."

After that night Merrill was able to go out more often without Hawke protesting and Hawke even started to take her along on some missions and for the next three years they were happy and things were, for the most part peaceful, but as things happen the peace seemed to quickly be coming to an end, and Merrill felt that there was no one else to blame except for the Knight Commander. Though there was one silver lining when Merrill's three years of peace came to an end.

One night when Merrill was at her house working on the Eluvian Hawke came over to the house, which she usually did to walk home with Merrill, however that night she had a huge grin on her face when she came into the house and Merrill looked at her suspiciously, "what is it?"

"Do you fancy a drink tonight at the hanged man?"

Merrill raised her eyebrow at Hawke, they rarely ever went to the hanged man unless something was being celebrated, "whats going on?"

"Nothing I just thought we might have a night out tonight."

Merrill grabbed her coat from the rack and followed Hawke out of the house, "you're acting very strangely."

"I am not. I just want to take you out I think it might be a good time."

"Alright, but I'm onto you Hawke."

"Well there is nothing to be onto is there?"

Merrill shook her head and allowed Hawke to grasp her hand and drag her off to the Hanged Man. When she entered everyone was there, Varric, Aveline, Fenris, even Sebastian and Anders were there all sitting around a table laughing with a tankard in hand. Merrill looked at Hawke questioningly, "did something happen?"

Hawke just smiled and started pulling her toward the table with the others, as she moved she noticed they were all laughing at a story someone was telling and the voice sounded suspiciously like, "Isabela?"

"Kitten!" Isabela jumped up from the table and hugged Merrill tightly.

"Oh I missed you! How was traveling? Did you see much? Where did you go?" Merrill's excitement was spilling over the edges.

Isabela laughed, "sit down and have a drink with us and I'll tell you all about it."

Merrill sat down next to Isabela and joined in the drinking and laughing, she beamed at Hawke and whispered, "you're wonderful lethallan, thank you so much for this."

Hawke smiled and kissed her lightly, "I love when you are happy."

And Merrill was happy and the night was wonderful and in the months that followed she would often find herself remembering that night and remembering that there were good times to be had even in all the terrible things that happened.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I meant for this to be the last chapter but I have to much going on in the end of the story for this to have been the last chapter sooooo there will be another chapter after this one :) I hope you are all enjoying the story! Thanks for reading and reviewing! And for all the favorites as well!

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or its CHaracters

* * *

><p>It wasn't long after Isabela returned that things started to go from bad to worse in Kirkwall. It seemed like every day Meredith and Orsino were starting public riots in front of the chantry and Hawke was forced to intervene to cool the situation down. One night Hawke came home looking extremely exhausted and angry. She threw her armor down upon walking in, a move that caused Sandal to go scurrying into the other room to hide. Along with her armor she threw her weapons to the ground and stormed restlessly from room to room.<p>

Anticipating such a mood, as they were frequent lately, Merrill had drawn a warm bath and leaned against the wall waiting for Hawke to storm into their bedroom. It didn't take long before Merrill heard thumping up the stairs followed by Hawke thundering into the room. Before she could say a word Merrill kissed her forcefully on the lips and guided her into the bathroom. She quickly disrobed Hawke and then pushed her gently into the tub and then quickly followed. Merrill sat behind Hawke and lathered her back with soap and massaged it while Hawke told her about what had put her in such a terrible mood.

"I swear they are worse than children, no you know I have seen children handle conflict better than they did. And then! And then they ask me to take a side! Can you believe that?"

"Did you pick a side?"

"No, I couldn't, if I did it would have started an uproar."

"Which side would you have chosen if your word didn't hold so much authority oh mighty Hawke."

Hawke turned her head halfway to look at Merrill, there was a slight smile on her lips, "mm I would choose Orsino."

Merrill smiled back at her and kissed her cheek, "that is a good answer lethelan."

Hawke laughed, "how could I choose a side that would apose you love?"

"I do not know that would be a terrible choice."

Hawke turned to face her and kissed her, without another word Hawke stood and lead Merrill to their bed. Hawke ran her hands up and down Merrill's naked flesh leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. Merrill held Hawke tightly and kissed her neck, letting her tongue play lightly against the soft skin of Hawke's neck. They moved against each other for hours until finally they lay too exhausted to move in each others arms.

"The sheets are wet," Merrill muttered.

"Whos fault is that?"

"Yours."

"Oh yeah that's right. Should we change them?"

"Too tired to move," Merrill said already drifting to sleep.

Hawke kissed her on top of the head and they fell asleep in the sodding wet sheets and a bad night ended up being a good one. Not all nights would turn out so well though as Merrill would soon find.

It wasn't long after they shared their bath filled night together that there was another mission to undertake, a mission involving a nightingale. Merrill and Hawke had decided to take a walk to get some sun, well more like Varric had told Hawke that Merrill needed to get outside and away from her obsessive work on the mirror, when they ended up at the chantry.

"Shall we go visit Sebastian, we haven't seen him in a while."

Merrill nodded and followed Hawke into the huge building. Inside they found Sebastian speaking to the grand cleric and as things usually happen with Hawke they were given a mission to meet with a sister nightingale at the chantry later that evening. As they walked away Merrill looked at Hawke with an expression of amusement on her face, "how?"

"How what?"

"How do you all end up getting dragged into these things lethelan?"

Hawke smiled, "just lucky."

"Can I come tonight?"

"You want to come?"

"Yes, I don't get to go on very many missions with you and this one sounds interesting and safe enough."

"Mm I suppose it does, alright let's go down to the hanged man to visit with Isabela and then we can take her with us to meet this sister nightingale character."

Merrill smiled anticipating a smooth enjoyable mission, as luck would have it this was not the case.

After finally killing all of the zealots in the chantry there to try and assassinate sister nightingale, the woman finally showed. Isabela gasped upon seeing her and sputtered out, "Leliana?"

"Isabela?"

"Sister Nightingale huh? As I recall it didn't take much to make you sing."

Leliana blushed and said, "yes well, that was a long time ago yes? Yes."

It all came back to Merrill in a flood, she felt like she had been hit by a train. It had been a very long time since she had thought about Aspen and indeed she felt that her feelings for Hawke were much greater than anything she had ever felt for Aspen, but regardless she felt the old anger and the old hurt well up inside of her. It was this woman who had stolen Aspen from her, this woman whom only a year after she had left Merrill Aspen had bedded. It was this woman that Aspen loved better than Merrill. She was vaguely aware of the conversation between Hawke and Leliana until she heard Hawke say, "wait! The Leliana? The one who traveled with the hero of fereldan?"

"Yes, she is very dear to my heart."

That tore it, Merrill could no longer keep her temper and she said exasperated, "dear to your heart? Is she now? Well how well do you know her hm? Do you know of her past? Where she came from? Did she tell you of the woman who she made promises of love to before she left for the Wardens? I doubt she did! I bet she didn't even tell you of all the warm nights we spent in my bed!" Merrill grabbed for the necklace that she kept hidden in the pouch of her robes and threw it at Leliana, "here give that bitch her necklace back!" And then she stormed out of the Chantry, as soon as she was out in the fresh air she realized what she had done.

Oh how she must have sounded! She sounded as though she was still in love with Aspen! Oh how Hawke must feel! What is Hawke didn't think she loved her anymore? What had she done? She couldn't stay here of course, she couldn't face Hawke. Not after what she said to Leliana about Aspen, she had never told Hawke of Aspen. The only place she could go was back to her rat hole of a house, but she didn't care, that's where she would go because that's were she belonged. She didn't want to see the hurt on Hawke's face, or the anger, so she took off at top speed to her house.

Once she was inside she slammed the door behind her and locked it. She then threw herself onto the bed in a fit of tears until she cried herself to sleep. And all she could think of was what have I done.

Days went by with no sign of Hawke, no letter, nothing to indicate that Hawke wanted anything to do with her. To keep her mind off of the beautiful blue eyed warrior Merrill threw herself relentlessly into her work on the Eluvian. It wasn't until the fourth day straight of doing nothing but working on the Eluvian that she got a visitor. It wasn't the visitor she was hoping for however, instead it was Isabela. Isabela looked sadly at Merrill, who must have looked an outright mess and said, "I would have come sooner but Hawke had me running around doing all kinds of crazy missions, ever since well, you know."

"You can say it, ever since I ruined everything."

Isabela put an arm around Merrill, "oh Kitten, you didn't ruin everything, you did make it a bit worse by not sticking around afterward, but nothing is ruined."

"How can you say that? Hawke hates me."

"Hawke does not hate you, she loves you, and she was hurt when she thought you loved someone more than her and even more hurt that you never told her about Aspen. But no the less she loves you, very much."

"Then why hasn't she been to see me?"

"Kitten, you're the one who messed up not her, she is in a lot of pain that she is not willing to admit to right now and you need to be the one to go to her and fix it all."

"I don't love Aspen anymore."

"I know, but she doesn't, the way you talked it sure sounded like you did."

"I love Hawke."

"Then you need to go make sure that she knows that."

Merrill nodded, "I should go right now."

"Hold on Kitten, let me fix your hair a bit before you go, in fact perhaps a bath."

Merrill nodded realizing she smelled of old cabbage and fish. She quickly went about the process of making herself presentable and then dashed out of her house to the Hawke manor. She had to fix this, had to make it right.

She walked into the manor quietly, as soon as she entered however, she heard two voices from the front room. It sounded like Anders and Hawke.

"You can't trust her Hawke," said Anders.

"I said it's none of your business."

"She's only going to hurt you, she already has, but it will be worse if you continue to see her."

"Stop Anders I said its none of your business."

"She'll never choose you over her demon Hawke, you have to let her go."

"Well that's brilliant advice from someone who has already chosen his demon," said Merrill stepping into the room.

Anders turned, anger showing in his face, "Justice is not a demon!"

"No? What would you call him? Surely you have not diluted yourself into thinking you are not an abomination."

Anders eyes glowed blue, or rather Justice's eyes and he raise his staff, Merrill backed away from him, terrified of what he would do to her. Hawke quickly intervened, "Anders enough! Get out of my house!"

The glowing blue went away and without another word Anders scurried quickly from the manor, Merrill took a step toward Hawke, who was refusing to look at her, "thank you, I-"

Before she could finish Hawke cut her off, "what do you want Merrill?"

"To apologize for and explain what happened the other night."

"There is nothing to explain I was right there."

"There is something to explain, please just let me try."

Hawke remained silent which Merrill took as an indication to continue, "I lied to you when I said that I didn't remember what happened to me that day you rescued me from my blood magic." She launched into the whole story about Isabela and then about Aspen, then about what she was feeling that night and finally ending with, "but I don't love Aspen anymore Hawke, she and I were over as soon as she became a Grey Warden, I love you Hawke, I love you."

Hawke looked at her with tears brimming in her glowing blue eyes, "why couldn't you just have told me? Why did you run away Merrill? Why?"

"I was afraid to lose you."

Hawke looked away from her, "please leave Merrill, please, I need time alone to think. Just leave me alone."

With a broken heart Merrill dragged herself from the manor and back to her house. All she had left now was the Eluvian.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry for the delay again! Its all finished now :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!

Disclaimer: I dont own dragon age or the characters

* * *

><p>Throwing herself completely into the Eluvian was the only coping method Merrill had available to her, therefore when she could not figure out why the mirror was not working her world was thrown into chaos. She knew that the only way to finish the mirror was to seek out the spirit on the Sundermont again, but she couldn't go up there alone. She sent a message to Isabela begging for her help and sat waiting for her to respond.<p>

When the knock finally came Merrill threw open her door and started speaking really quickly with her back turned to the person who had entered, "I need to go back to the cave to find the spirit that helped me before, I am missing something and I don't know what but the spirit will know! You have to help me Isabela, I don't know who else to go to."

The voice the responded was not Isabela's, "you could have come to me Merrill."

Merrill's eyes widened and she turned to face none other than Hawke, "H-hawke, I-I," she couldn't find the words, they were lost to her.

"I know I should have come to see you sooner, but I didn't know what to say. I was hurting and acting stupid."

"You weren't acting stupid, you're never stupid. I was stupid, I said stupid things and acted stupid. I'm sorry."

"I know, I am sorry for not coming sooner, especially since now you got it into your head that we need to seek out this spirit."

"I know you think this is stupid or dangerous or something but I have to do this Hawke I am so close, I just have to."

"No Merrill, this is too dangerous."

"Hawke please, this is what I have been working for and I need help, you help everyone else please help me."

"We have to talk to Marathari first if we are going to do this."

"The clan will have moved on already there is no point in trying."

"Fine Merrill I will help you because I love you."

Merrill smiled, "thank you Hawke. But there is one more thing."

Hawke raised an eyebrow, "what?"

"If something should go wrong, if I should become possessed you must kill me."

"What? N-no! You cannot ask this of me Merrill, the past few weeks without you have been torture."

"Hawke you must promise."

"Please don't ask this of me."

"Hawke!"

"No! I won't kill you Merrill."

Merrill sighed, "then we will bring Fenris, he would gladly strike me down at the first opportunity."

Merrill saw the tears in Hawke's eyes as she nodded, "fine, Merrill fine. We will bring Fenris."

"Thank you Hawke, this means so much to me."

Hawke sighed, "this is the last thing we do for this mirror ok?"

Merrill nodded, "ok, I won't need to do anything else I know it. This is it I can feel it."

Once again Merrill's mission did not go as planned the first bump in the road was when they reached the place were Merrill was certain the Dalish would not be any longer. When they reached the camp Merrill was shocked to find that the Dalish were still encamped in the same place as they had always been. Merrill approached Marathari and said, "What are you still doing here Keeper? The clan should have moved on already."

"Oh, we still have business here."

Merrill shook her head and watched curiously as Hawke pulled the Keeper aside to talk to her, no doubt about what Merrill was planning. When she returned Marathari was walking in the other direction with a grave expression on her face.

"Satisfied? She doesn't care," Merrill said walking in the direction of the cave.

"She seemed to care, I think she cares a great deal Merrill."

Merrill just shook her head again and they walked the rest of the way to the mountain in silence. Once they reached the cave Hawke stopped her before she could go inside, "are you sure about this Merrill?"

"Yes of course I am its going to be ok."

"Let's go, I cannot wait to strike you down blood mage," Fenris said walking past her.

Isabela drew a knife and put it to his throat, "I swear to the Maker Fenris if you try to strike her down I will bring you down faster than you can draw your sword."

"I'm here to strike her down Isabela, I came for no other reason."

"If something should go wrong! Do not threaten her when nothing has gone wrong!"

"Something always goes wrong with blood mages, it is there way," he said pushing Isabela's knife away from his throat.

Merrill did not know just how right Fenris would be, once they were in the cave they found, not the spirit, but the Keeper. The Keeper told them of how the demon was going to use the Eluvian to be free of its prison and Merrill would likely be its first victim. So instead of allowing Merrill to bare the price of her blood magic the Keeper had chosen to pay that price for her and the only way they could destroy the demon was the kill the keeper.

In the end of the battle Merrill fell to her knees at the Keepers side, "why did you do this? It should have been me! You shouldn't have done this!" Merrill sobbed at the Keepers side until Isabela came and lifted her to her feet, "come on kitten we have to go."

Hawke walked in front of them and took responsibility for Merrill when they were confronted by the Dalish. No one spoke all the way down the mountain, they even separated once in the city without a word. It wasn't until a few hours later that Hawke showed up at Merrill's house.

Merrill was sitting in front of the mirror with the Keepers staff laying at her side sobbing. She felt Hawke walk up behind her, "What have I done Hawke?"

"I don't know," Hawke's voice was icy.

"I just wanted to help my clan, I-I didn't want her to die."

"Someone had to it seems, that mirror is nothing but trouble."

Merrill stood and faced Hawke, "I know, I know that now."

"Destroy it."

Merrill's eyes widened, "I know I should but I-I no!"

"Even after all of that you still want to keep the mirror."

"It's still a piece of Dalish history, and with the demon gone its not a danger anymore."

"The Keeper is dead because of that mirror! Use your sense woman!" Hawke scoffed, "Anders was right you will always chose your demons first, I was a fool to think otherwise." Hawke turned and walked out of the house.

"No! Hawke!" But she was already gone, Merrill picked up the Keepers staff and shattered the mirror just as the Grey Warden had done years before. She looked at the shattered remains in anger, "you have cost me everything! Everything! I should have never tried to restore you!" Just then there was a knock at Merrill's door, she dashed to it hoping Hawke had come back, however when she opened the door she was met only with a black sack over her head and then a strange sensation of falling asleep. All she thought as she felt herself falling into the darkness was, I'm never going to see Hawke again. I love her, please don't let them kill me.

The next thing Merrill new she was in a dark realm. She could see nothing not even the ground she was sitting upon. She tried to reach in the darkness and found nothing, every move she made she was met with more darkness until, like a light flickering on, she saw Keeper Marathari. Merrill blinked twice unsure if what she was in front of her was real, "Keeper?"

The Keeper smiled at her just the way she used to, "Hello Da'len."

"Great Creators! But you're dead!"

"Yes I am."

"Am I dead then as well?"

"No Da'len thank the creators you are not."

"Where am I?"

"Oh under a blood magic induced sleep."

"How will I get out?"

"She will save you Da'len, but you know this already."

"She who?"

The Keeper shook her head, "this is not why I am here Da'len there are much more pressing matters."

"Then why are you here? What are these pressing matters you speak of?"

"Matters of the heart Da'len. We are here so you will not lose her, you have already lost so much."

"Lose who? What do you mean we?"

From the darkness came another familiar voice, one she had not heard for many years, "We are the keeper and myself Merrill."

"Aspen."

"Merrill listen to us you will lose her if you do not learn to stop punishing yourself and holding on to all of the old hurt."

"Who am I going to lose?"

"You know who," replied Aspen.

"Hawke?"

"Indeed, you will lose her if you do not stop blaming yourself for my leaving and the anger you feel over my betrayal. These things are the past you must let them go."

Merrill looked at her sternly, "when you left my heart broke into 1000 pieces. I thought that it would never be the same, the only thing I clung to was the promises of love we had made each other. So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that you so easily replaced me."

"It wasn't easy and I felt guilty for it every day but Leliana made me feel happy and safe. I love her just as I loved you Merrill, you cannot blame me for this can you?"

"No I cannot, you see the truth is when I met Hawke the 1000 pieces started to find each other and become larger pieces, still broken, but working on becoming whole again. She made me feel better and happy and I felt guilty for that too. I love Hawke in a way I never loved you, she is wonderful and beautiful and it doesn't have to be a secret. My heart has long since healed but it seems that sometimes old wounds do open and I didn't expect what happened that night with Leliana to happen. I was so angry with you, but I shouldn't have been. How could I have been when I was faced with such an amazing woman, how could I be angry with you for finding the same happiness I did?"

"Let the anger go Merrill."

"Yes, I think it is time that I did that. I still miss you sometimes you know."

"And I you, but we were not meant for each other you know that."

"Yes and I am thankful to have found the person the creators meant for me. But I made quite a mess of that. Hawke will never forgive me."

The Keeper had stepped closer to Merrill, "yes she will Da'len. She loves you as fiercely as you love her. But you have hurt her many times of late and if you are to keep her than you must tell her how you feel and stop contradicting it."

Merrill nodded, "I will of course, that is, if I ever get out of here."

"Oh I think it's about time for you to wake up."

"What? What do you mean?"

But before the Keeper could answer Merrill felt as if her body were being lifted out of the darkness and indeed it was only moments before she was opening her eyes to the bright sun. She looked around her and immediately saw Hawke kneeling beside her, "Hawke! You came for me, I knew you would, I was so scared I didn't know what was happening and the last thing I thought was that I would never see you again and I couldn't never see you again without telling you that I love you so much. You are incredible and I am love-"

Hawke cut her off with a kiss, "I know Merrill and I love you too. Very much."

Merrill wrapped her arms around Hawke and rested her head on Hawke's shoulder, she was safe and no matter what was to come she knew that she would be with Hawke and stand by her side, no matter what.


End file.
